A Mince Story
by che-guevara
Summary: Excel and Ha-chan decide to eat Mince. This short fanfic depicts the animal's courageous struggle and lucky escape. First Excel Saga fanfic.


                "Gurgll….." Went Ha-chan's stomach… The last time she had eaten was a week ago, and hunger was becoming unbearable. Already she had died and resuscitated a couple dozen times just in a single week. Excel was just as hungry; however, she was showing it more. Lying in the balcony sun, she was dreaming of huge feasts, greasy geese and fried rice. And then, she finally made the fateful decision: special circumstances require special measures, and what was more special than their emergency ration, Mince?

                "HA-CHAAAN!! CATCH MINCE!!! WE'RE HAVING DOG-CHOW TODAY!!!"

                "But Senior, I think we should hold on for a few more days before resorting to such extreme measures"

                "NONSENSE!! How are we supposed to conquer the world without a full stomach and a daily flow of 12 vitamins and essential nutrients?!?!?!'

                "If you say so, Senior".

                While the two world-conquerors were debating, Mince had guessed what the subject of the discussion was. His life rolled before his eyes… He saw his melodramatic childhood, in hazy and wet mist, he saw his rebellious teenage years, when he was kicked out by his parents jumping on the lap of his owner with joints stuck in his nostrils. He remembered his tough youth, when he had barely made through college… Now he was to be eaten by two absolute morons.

                Mince quickly formulated a plan; if he was to go down, he would go down with a bang. He hastily hid under one of the beds, taking a few dozen blankets with him, but while he was making his rope-ladder, his golden-haired nemesis stormed in the room with a huge bang and even louder shout. The poor animal quivered in fear, but mustering courage, he started barking as loudly as possible at the two young women; but they were not deterred. Using special commando methods (approaching their prey from two different sides), they tried groping him, but Mince, like a fair elf in the woods of Mirkwood,  leaped in the air, and in a moment of ultimate courage, ran for dear life.

                Hyatt and Excel were soon at his heels, but the animal already had a plan. He thought he could tire Ha-chan out, and she would start bleeding and fall quasi-dead again. He had nothing planned against Excel yet, but he counted on Providence, which had not necessarily been just to him…

                And indeed, after a few minutes of hot pursuit, Hyatt started spitting blood and fell. With her last molecules of energy, she died without making a noise.

                Excel, however, had barely noticed the fall of her courageous friend on the field of battle. Random objects started being thrown at her prey; forks, spoons, chainsaws, used television screens, Hyatt… But they say one runs fastest when one's life is in danger, and Mince proved that point. Human feet were too quick for him, though, and soon he felt the perky soles of Excel's shoes stepping on his poor, battered tail. Again, his life flashed before his eyes, in an even more dramatic fashion (that happens a lot with Mince), he turned around, and leapt at his opponent, planning to bit her head… or something else off. But he was shrilly met by the cold bottom of a frying pan.

                When Mince opened his eyes, he was sitting by the side of an oven. Tied up and even gagged. Ha-chan had come back to life, though her chin was still quite read. Excel was wearing a white apron, leaning over a recipe. Mince could read, on top of the page, hazy letters: "How to cook a duck".

                The poor animal despaired… And for the first and last time of his life, prayed to a God, who was clearly too busy doing something else; like saving starving children in Africa… or maybe just having imaginary sex with another virgin, and forsook the poor mammal, and he would have indeed been cooked and eaten, when Hyatt suddenly reminded Excel of a crucial point:

                "But Senior, how are we to skin Mince?"

                The two agents of ACROSS had to ponder on this issue for a few minutes, then resolved to use a chainsaw they had bought for some reason. Hope glittered in the dog's eyes… If they were just clumsy enough to saw the ropes off instead of his skin, he would be saved. Like a fool, he found a glimmer of hope that none else could see, and resolutely waited. But then…

                "Oh Senior, look at this" – Hyatt was holding a cupboard open.

                "Strange… Who knew we had so much dog food stored here?? I guess Mince is once more saved by a surprising turn of fate"

                Of course, they forgot to untie Mince. And that day, the dog remained hungry as hell.


End file.
